Smoothiocalpyse – A Diet Experience

Like a lot of Americans who think they are too fat to live, I have decided to go on a diet, but not just any diet. The Paleo Diet! As in…paleolithic or caveman diet. Basically you roam around the world and you eat everything and act like a caveman. It works well, especially if you’re killing a deer on your neighbor’s front lawn at 6am when they are leaving for work.

…but in all seriousness, you will go your life eating vegetables, fruits, and meats, just like the cavemen did back in the day. It is not too hard, except when you don’t get full because you are completely cutting out those easy-to-grab carbs from your diet and all the junky types of foods we all eat. Vegetables have carbs in them, but not as much as a piece of pizza, bread, and all that other stuff…so you don’t get that “full” feeling as fast.

My daily diet usually consists of:


-hard boiled eggs

-grapes, carrots, leafy greens

-meat: chicken/beef



I like to switch it up here and there so I am not eating the same stuff everyday, because once you start doing that you get bored of the food you’re eating and you end up straying from that path of great dieting.

When are you getting to the smoothies Josh? – chill the fuck out, we’re getting there.

The title of this post is called Smoothiocalpyse because once I started making these smoothies, I really don’t think I’m going back. Why? Basically, they are extremely delicious, easy to make, and you can get your servings of fruits and veges all in one place. I will share 2 versions of smoothies that I have made so far and you will see how easy it is to make.

Smoothie 1: The BanaBerry Monster

You will need:

  • Kale
  • Strawberries
  • Bananas
  • Ice
  • Water
  • Blender
  • Cup, Jar, or some type of container to put it in…..duh

-Take about 2-4 ‘stems’* of kale, rinse them off under cool water, and peal the leafs from the stem. Place them in the blender. The more you put in, the greener the smoothie will be. I usually use 3 ‘stems’ of kale depending on the size.

*’stem’ – people call them “leaves” of Kale, but I call them stems. I’m weird like that. Just deal with it.

-Take 2 bananas, peel them, throw them in the blender. You can chop them up or throw them in whole. I guess it depends on the size of your blender and what type of load your blender can take. I tried chopping and whole and it turns out the same…same time, doesn’t overload, its brilliant.

-Grab your strawberries, tough to find good quality strawberries in the northeast around this time of year, but grab them anyway, rinse them off. Feel free to chop off the ends where the leaves are, I don’t I just throw them bastards in whole. I use about 4-6 strawberries depending on the size.

-Grab a handful of ice, 5-6 cubes…or whatever fits in your hand. Throw them in the blender. Then take some water. DO NOT USE MILK, ALMOND MILK, SOY MILK. USE WATER. Fill your blender half way or a little bit more to smooth out the mix once its blended. If you want it more liquid-y, add more water.

-Turn on the blender and wake up your neighbors.

-You want to make sure everything is broken down and it creates a SMOOTHie. Your mix should be nice and green and taste delicious.

-Making it like this, you will probably get 2-3 8oz jars filled to the brim. I like to make 3 for my day; breakfast, lunch, and dinner beverages.


*Also, I have added blackberries and raspberries to the BanaBerry Monster! They take the green to a brown color though, so if you’re cool with going from green to brown, go ahead. It adds a little bit of a bitter/sweet taste to the mix. Both versions are delicious.

 – – – –

Smoothie 2: The PineMango

You will need:

  • Kale
  • Bananas
  • Mangos
  • Pineapple
  • Coconut Water
  • Water
  • Ice

-Take about 2-4 ‘stems’* of kale, rinse them off under cool water and peal the leafs from the stem. Place them in the blender. The more you put in, the greener the smoothie will be. 3-4 stems will suffice.

-Take 2 bananas, peel them, throw them on the floor. Seriously, just put them in the blender, where else would you put them?

-Throw in a handful of ice. 5-6 cubes, chunks, pieces, chips

-Cut up a mango, throw them in the blender too.

-Take some cubes of pineapple, either fresh or pre-cut and throw them right on top of the mango. Create a mango/pineapple love fest, make the bananas jealous. I usually use 6-10 cubes of pineapple.

-Take your coconut water. . . look at the ingredients and make sure it just says “Coconut Water” under ingredients. You don’t want to see anything else, it is best to do this at the store, if not, just punch yourself in the neck. This is supposed to be healthy, don’t add death to your smoothie! My coconut water says “coconut water and coconut pulp” so it is extra coconut-y. Add as much coconut as you think you can handle, I poured half the bottle into my smoothie.

-Add some water to smooth it all out. I filled my blender just over the half mark w/ water. It is your call.

-Blend that shit up.

-I was able to fill 3 8oz Mason Jars up to the rim, you should be able to do the same. If you do it right, the mix should come out a purple-blue color. See below.

The PineMango!

The PineMango! (purple-blue was an obvious joke)

Go ahead and try them out – I know my recipes aren’t “professional” but imagine just sitting here and reading a boring-ass recipe written by yours truly. It wouldn’t be me. I hope you try these smoothies out and as I make more, I will be giving you more recipes. :D


How was your Mashing?

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